008 Letting Go
Episode 8 | listen in your favorite podcast app | Watch on Youtube
Peace Begins Where Control Ends
Trying to control everything can look like responsibility at first. It can even feel like love.
But over time, it quietly becomes hypervigilance—managing outcomes, timing, and other people’s emotions, actions, and reactions. That’s exhausting.
This episode draws a clear line: letting go isn’t apathy. It’s wisdom. It’s leadership inside your own life.
And the promise is practical: you can get your peace back—without becoming passive, cold, or checked out.
Quick Takeaways
Control can suffocate connection—even when your intentions are good.
Letting go isn’t apathy; it’s clarity, clean requests, and loving limits.
Use the “Mine / Not Mine” filter to stop carrying outcomes you can’t own.
Replace micromanagement with structure: definition of done, owners, cadence, and check-ins.
Rescue creates dependence; boundaries create health.
Curiosity buys peace fast. Control is insecurity in disguise.
The Real Problem: Control Disguised as Care
A lot of control starts with good motives: being helpful, being dependable, filling gaps, fixing messes.
But when your default is “I’ll handle it” in every area, it can turn into pressure, resentment, and relationship strain—at home and at work. Teams get smothered. Ownership drops. Tension rises.
The episode reframes the goal: don’t aim for “more control.” Aim for more clarity.
Myth: Letting Go Means You Don’t Care
The episode tackles this head-on: letting go is not indifference. It’s wisdom.
Strength here isn’t intensity or persistence. Strength is:
clarity
clean requests
agreed boundaries
released outcomes
That combination lets you love without carrying what you were never meant to carry.
The Framework: Three Circles
A core tool in this episode is sorting life into three circles:
1) Me
What you own completely:
your mindset
preparation
words
schedule
follow-through
This is where excellence lives.
2) We
Shared responsibilities that need structure:
clear roles
definitions of done
agreed timelines
cadenced check-ins
escalation rules (what happens when dates slip)
This is where relationships and teams stay healthy—because expectations aren’t floating.
3) Not Mine
What you can’t control:
how your truth lands in someone else’s nervous system
their reactions and emotions
outcomes and timing
other people’s choices
Trying to own “Not Mine” is where peace gets crushed.
Replace Control With Structure
If you find yourself micromanaging, the episode doesn’t say “try harder to relax.” It says: build structure so control isn’t needed.
Examples of structure mentioned:
written “definition of done”
one clear owner (others can contribute, but one owns the finish)
check-in cadence (short, scheduled, consistent)
scope/date trade-offs when something slips
calendar rules (offline windows, protected time)
a simple decision log (one-page record of decisions so you don’t hold everything in your head)
This is how you lead without carrying everything.
Boundaries Are Love
A key reframe: boundaries don’t reduce love; they protect your ability to keep loving well.
A boundary is not a punishment. It’s a clean sentence that tells the truth, sets a limit, and releases the outcome.
Practical Application
A) The Mine / Not Mine Rep
Do this in two columns:
Left column: Mine
Right column: Not Mine
Don’t overthink it—write what comes up quickly.
Then practice a one-sentence release:
“I release outcomes and timing.”
That’s one rep. The muscle being trained is clean ownership without rescuing.
B) The One-Sentence Boundary Template
Pick one live situation and complete this:
“I will ___.”
“I won’t ___.”
“If ___ happens, then ___.”
Keep it short, clear, and repeatable.
C) The Breath Downshift
When control urges spike, downshift your nervous system first:
take a deep breath in
take a small second breath on top
then exhale slowly
Pair the exhale with physical release (shoulders down, jaw relaxed) and then deliver your boundary in one clean sentence.
D) Replace “Chasing” With Cadence
If something keeps slipping—don’t chase harder. Add structure:
define done
assign ownership
set check-in cadence
set escalation rules
agree on scope/date trade-offs
Common Traps
People-pleasing disguised as love: filling every gap until resentment grows.
Rescuing from consequences: teaching dependence by preventing every ripple.
Micromanagement instead of structure: holding everything in your head instead of defining roles, owners, and cadence.
Avoidance disguised as “protecting peace”: skipping proper, timely engagement.
Trying to control reactions: attempting to manage how others feel so you can feel secure.
Conclusion
Letting go isn’t giving up. It’s getting honest about what’s yours, what’s shared, and what was never yours to carry.
The path back to peace is simple (not easy): clean ownership, clear structure, loving boundaries, and released outcomes.
If you want more frameworks like this, join the email list. And if you haven’t listened yet, queue up Episode 008: Letting Go and run the “Mine / Not Mine” exercise this week.
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