016 Optimizing Personalities: Using Tests to Grow in Work & Marriage
Episode 16 | Featuring Ashley Negron | listen in your favorite podcast app | Watch on Youtube
What you’ll learn
How to stop using personality as a crutch (“this is just who I am”) and start using it as a growth tool
How personality frameworks become a weapon when we pigeonhole people—and how to avoid that trap
Why “core motivators” change the way you communicate with your spouse, coworkers, and friends
How strengths turn into limitations under stress (and what to do about it)
Practical ways to build a “common language” in marriage and in the workplace
The core idea
Personality tests are either a bridge or a barrier. They can help you understand yourself, understand the person across from you, and communicate with more grace. Or… they can become a permission slip to stay stuck, or a label you throw at people when you’re frustrated.
In Episode 16, Ashley and I talk about what it looks like to use personality intentionally—especially in marriage, conflict, and leadership. The point isn’t to become a different person. The point is to become a healthier version of who you already are.
The framework
1) Start with motivators, not labels
A lot of people treat personality like a box: “That’s just how reds are,” or “Of course you’re a blue.” The problem is that labels can make you lazy.
What’s more useful is the question underneath the label: What motivates this person? Ashley likes the Color Code framework because it pushes past surface behavior and gets to the core driver. When you understand the driver, you stop taking everything personally—and you start communicating with more precision.
2) Strengths and limitations travel together
Every personality comes with strengths. Every personality comes with limitations. And sometimes the same trait is both—depending on how you “wield” it.
In the episode, I talk about being a “blue” in Color Code terms (motivated by intimacy/connection). In an unhealthy place, that strength can twist into manipulation. In a healthy place, it becomes influence that inspires and builds people up.
Ashley shares the same dynamic from the “red” side (motivated by power/action/results). Reds can take charge and move a team forward. But in an unhealthy place, that power becomes a freight train—getting results at any cost, running over people along the way.
The goal isn’t to delete the trait. It’s to harness it.
3) Two common misuses: crutch and weapon
There are two ways personality frameworks quietly sabotage growth.
First, personality becomes a crutch:
“This is just who I am.”
“I just tell it like it is.”
“Truth hurts.”
Those lines sound bold, but they’re often code for “I don’t want to do the work.” A good assessment doesn’t excuse you from growth. It points to the next step.
Second, personality becomes a weapon:
“You’re a red, so you’re on a power trip.”
“You’re a white, so you’ll avoid conflict forever.”
“You’re a blue, so you’re being manipulative.”
That’s not insight. That’s assumption dressed up as self-awareness.
4) Under stress, we default to our limitations
One of the most helpful things Ashley highlights is this: in conflict, people often revert to the worst version of their default wiring.
That’s why personality work matters before conflict, not only during it. When you know where you go under pressure, you can catch yourself faster. And when you know where your spouse or coworker goes under pressure, you can respond with maturity instead of escalation.
5) “It starts with you” (and that’s actually good news)
This line matters: the only person you can control is you.
That’s not a cold statement. That’s a freeing one.
You can’t force someone to communicate like you. You can’t force them to value what you value. But you can choose how you show up, how you interpret, how you respond, and how you repair.
Personality frameworks work best when they’re a mirror first—and only then a map.
6) Marriage: “fireworks” requires a shared language
Ashley and I are a classic “opposites attract” situation. In Color Code language, a red + blue relationship can be “fireworks.” That can be fun… or explosive, depending on whether you’re living in your strengths or your limitations.
The biggest win for us wasn’t learning more facts about ourselves. It was gaining a common language.
When conflict hits, the goal becomes:
Can we look at the problem as the problem?
Can we stop making each other the enemy?
Can we name what’s happening underneath the words?
And on a practical level, knowing motivators changes everything. If you know your spouse’s core need is connection, you make room for it. If you know your spouse’s core need is progress and results, you respect time and clarity.
7) Workplace: put people in the right seat on the bus
This matters at work too—especially in leadership.
Ashley shares how personality insight helps teams avoid predictable friction and place people in roles that fit their natural strengths. A person who craves peace can be a powerful contributor in process, discernment, and stability. But they may not be the best fit to lead a disruptive, conflict-heavy change initiative.
That’s not insulting. That’s wisdom.
And we also talk about hiring: assessments can be a helpful window, but they shouldn’t be the only deciding factor. Use them to ask better questions, not to eliminate good people with a single score.
8) Communication: don’t confuse “direct” with “disrespect”
One of the most practical workplace moments we share is this: as a “red,” Ashley had to learn that walking in and going straight for the punch can feel harsh to other personalities.
She didn’t have to become fake. She just had to become intentional.
Sometimes the bridge is simple:
“When you have a minute, can you help me with something?”
“Can I grab you at 2:15 today?”
“Quick question—are you in the middle of anything?”
People want to feel seen. When they do, they’ll move heaven and earth to help you.
Common misconceptions
Misconception: “Personality tests tell me exactly who someone is.”
Reframe: They’re a window, not a blueprint. People are more complex than a chart.Misconception: “If this is my type, I don’t need to change.”
Reframe: Your type doesn’t excuse your habits. It reveals what to work on.Misconception: “Knowing someone’s type means I can predict their intent.”
Reframe: Don’t skip the “assume positive intent” step. Ask questions before conclusions.Misconception: “Conflict means we’re incompatible.”
Reframe: Conflict often means motivators are clashing. That’s solvable with a shared language.Misconception: “Direct communication is automatically rude.”
Reframe: Directness can be a gift when paired with timing, clarity, and respect.
Practical playbook
Pick one relationship where communication feels harder than it should
Micro-example: “We respect each other, but conversations always feel tense or misaligned.”Name the pattern without labeling the person
Micro-example: Instead of “You’re so controlling,” try “When decisions move fast, I feel rushed and shut down.”Identify your default under stress (your limitation)
Micro-example: “When I feel unheard, I over-explain.”
Or: “When I feel behind, I get blunt and impatient.”Ask one motivator question and listen without correcting
Micro-example: “What matters most to you in situations like this—clarity, speed, harmony, connection?”Add one bridge phrase to your communication this week
Micro-example (work): “Do you have five minutes, or should I schedule it?”
Micro-example (marriage): “Before we solve it, can we reset and make sure we’re on the same team?”Do a “repair loop” after conflict, not a re-argument
Micro-example: “Here’s where I slipped into my limitation. Next time I want to do better by you.”Use assessments as prompts for growth, not proof you’re right
Micro-example: “This says I can be intense. That doesn’t make me bad—it makes me responsible.”
Key quotes
“The only person you can control is you.”
“Use personality as a tool—not a crutch or a weapon.”
“Assume positive intent.”
“Daily anything changes everything.”
Related resources
Resources:
Color Code
16 Personalities
Love Languages
Closing reflection
You don’t need a new personality to build a better life. You need awareness, responsibility, and a willingness to grow.
If a test helps you see yourself more clearly, use it. If it helps you understand someone else with more compassion, lean in. But don’t let it become an excuse to stay stuck—or a label you throw when you’re frustrated.
Start small this week: one relationship, one conversation, one intentional adjustment. That’s how you optimize—one step at a time.
Daily anything changes everything.
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