010 Optimize Your Marriage
Episode 10 | Featuring Ashley Negron | listen in your favorite podcast app | Watch on Youtube
Stop Drifting and Start Turning Toward Each Other
It’s easy to “do life” side-by-side and still feel miles apart—like two rafts on a river, holding hands while the current quietly carries you wherever it wants, which is usually not to a destination you want to end up.
That drift doesn’t happen because you “stopped loving each other.” It happens because, without intentional effort, the current wins—and over time you wake up saying, “I feel like we drifted apart… I don’t know if I know that person anymore.”
This episode is a practical conversation about how to push back against that drift: daily intentionality, healthier communication, and (for people of faith) how covenant and roles shape the way you “filter everything through together.”
Quick Takeaways
Marriage doesn’t stay strong by default—without intentional effort, you drift.
“Turn toward” your spouse daily with small actions (texts, memes, quick connection moments).
Use regular check-ins (“checking the oil”) before things get bad.
Don’t use “never” and “always” in conflict—those are “fighting words” and usually false.
Be extremely careful who you vent to; choose “team marriage” people only, and never the opposite sex.
Ask early: “Do you want me to listen, or help you fix it?”
Intentionality: Turning Toward Beats Drifting Apart
Ashley frames it like this: you can be side-by-side in life without actually being “turned toward” each other—and without intentionality, life will simply carry you — many times, in different directions.
Josh adds the consequence: people eventually describe the result as “we drifted apart” or “she/he isn’t who I married,” and he sees it like a current—if you’re not actively swimming against it (towards each other), you’re moving away from each other.
Practical “daily steps”
Small signals of “I see you”: sending reels/memes/texts to show you were thinking about them and to create a shared laugh later.
Mini-getaways or protected time: even for families with kids, it can be as simple as one night away, sending kids somewhere else and staying home, or taking a drive together.
Use the car as a connection tool: some of their best conversations (even hard ones) happen in the car because it’s harder to be on your phone and you don’t have to sit face-to-face — which sometimes helps with those tougher conversations.
Same-space connection (even different activities): if you can’t find a shared hobby, do different things in the same space—because the “togetherness” is the point.
Communication: Check-Ins, Cleaner Language, and Better Listening
1) Regular “check-ins” before things blow up
Josh calls it “checking the oil”—a quick, simple check like: “Are you okay? Are we okay?” He sees it as win-win: either you deposit care into the relationship because it communicates that you care and genuinely want to know, or you uncover something that needs attention.
Ashley adds two key boundaries:
If you ask, you must be willing to receive what your spouse says.
Use discernment: decide if it’s truly about the situation or if it’s more about your own emotional waves. If it’s the latter, Ashley often decides to keep it to herself and process it. If it’s the first, then bring it up kindly, not explosively.
2) Rules of engagement in conflict
From premarital counseling, they were taught to avoid “never” and “always,” because they’re “fighting words” and “never true.”
Instead, bring clarity without attack:
“I’m realizing I need X, Y, Z…”
“…this habit isn’t helping me feel seen, loved, and cared about.”
And as the listener: don’t get defensive—ask questions and take it in.
3) “Do you want me to listen, or fix it?”
They talk about the power of asking early: “Do you want me to fix it or do you just want me to listen?”—because it changes how you engage in the whole conversation.
They also describe a shared rule: you get to gripe once—after that, you either fix it or move forward.
And when it’s a “listen” moment: listen fully (even take notes) so your spouse feels heard, and save your “fix” thoughts for later.
4) Watch the “push-pull” dynamic
Josh describes how couples can unconsciously take opposite sides in a discussion (like saving vs spending), and how that role can even flip mid-conversation—sometimes it’s just the other person helping you think it through.
Guardrails: Who You Talk To About Your Spouse Matters
They emphasize being very careful who you have conversations with about your spouse—because you’re inviting someone into the intimacy of your marriage.
Their standard:
Choose “team marriage” people who push you toward the marriage—not just “do what makes you happy.”
They frame marriage as a covenant vow before the Lord, filtering choices through “together.”
A hard boundary: never vent to someone of the opposite sex—don’t open an emotional door for something outside the marriage.
Faith, Roles, and Personalities: Equal Value, Different Strengths
Josh talks about personality differences (including how their traits don’t always match stereotypes) and why knowing each other’s strengths/weaknesses matters.
He also uses the “opposites attract” idea as a practical point: you’re often drawn to someone who complements your weaknesses—and a “helpmate” can strengthen you where you’re not strong.
From a faith lens, they address a common early-marriage issue: husbands who don’t take responsibility or lead, and Josh shares that he had to learn that spiritual leadership in his marriage was his responsibility—not something to abdicate because his wife is type A.
4. Practical Application: A Simple Checklist
Use this as a weekly reset and daily rhythm:
Daily (5 minutes)
Do one “turned toward” action: a text, meme/reel, or small moment of attention.
Create “same-space time” even if you’re doing different things.
2–3x per week (10 minutes)
Ask a check-in question (“Are we okay?”), and be ready to receive the answer.
When tension shows up
Pause and use discernment: “Is this really about this, or am I just flooded right now?” Then bring it up kindly.
Don’t use “never/always.” Replace it with a clear request (what you need, what behavior isn’t helping).
Ask early: “Do you want me to listen or help you fix it?”
When you need outside input
Only talk to “team marriage” people (and never the opposite sex).
5. Common Traps
Drift-by-default: assuming “we’re fine” while doing nothing intentional.
Explosive conversations: bringing something up without discernment or kindness.
“Never/always” language: escalating conflict with words that aren’t accurate.
Venting to the wrong people: inviting outsiders into the intimacy of your marriage (or opening an emotional door outside the marriage).
Trying to “fix” when your spouse needs to be heard: skipping the “listen vs fix” question.
6. Conclusion
This episode’s core message is simple: you don’t “accidentally” grow closer. If you don’t push against the current with daily intentionality, you drift—every time.
Start small: turn toward each other daily, use check-ins before things get heavy, clean up conflict language, and protect your marriage by being careful who you invite into the conversation.
If you want the full conversation, listen to Episode 10 (Josh + Ashley) and use this post as your action guide.
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