020 Build Stronger Relationships
In an age of hyper-connectivity, meaningful relationships have become a rare commodity, often replaced by surface-level digital interactions that leave us lonelier than ever. This guide explores how to audit your inner circle, establish high-level boundaries, and do the internal "reps" necessary to become a friend worth choosing.
I used to think that having a "full" social media feed meant I was winning at the friendship game. 🛑 But then I realized that Facebook and Instagram have completely rewired our definition of what a friend actually is. We have thousands of connections but zero people to call when the "dumpster fire" seasons of life actually hit.
In this episode, I’m back with my wife, Ashley, to dive deep into the science and soul of optimizing your relationships. If you want to become the best version of yourself, you have to realize that your growth is capped by the people you spend the most time with. It’s time to move beyond convenience and start investing in connection.
Is it going to be easy to prune your social circle? No. Is it worth it? Absolutely!! 🚀
Why Is Meaningful Connection So Hard in 2026?
Answer: Modern connection is difficult because convenience has replaced commitment. We’ve traded deep, context-rich relationships for surface-level "seasonal" connections that exist only within the vacuum of social media. This lack of depth leads to increased anxiety and a "scorekeeping" mentality that prevents true intimacy from forming.
We often view friendship as a series of ripples. On the inside, you have your most intimate circle; then you have friends, acquaintances, and finally, people you’re just "connected" to. The problem? Digital platforms make us feel like our outer ripples are actually our inner circle. Oof. We also have to battle the "busyness" trap. Life fills up every empty space with noise, making the act of carving out time for friends feel like a chore rather than a necessity. Just like fitness or finances, your relationships require intentional "reps." If you aren't scheduling time for your tribe, you are essentially letting those foundations erode.
Information Gain: The "Access Expectation" Trap One unique modern friction point is the "24/7 access" expectation. Many people now measure the importance of a relationship by how quickly a text is returned. This creates an unhealthy dynamic where boundaries are viewed as a lack of care rather than a tool for personal peace.
How Do I Audit My "Top Five" Inner Circle?
Answer: Auditing your circle requires asking if your closest friends call you to a higher standard or simply validate your current excuses. You need people who align with your future direction, aren't afraid to provide "friction" through honest feedback, and leave you feeling energized rather than emotionally drained.
You’ve heard the phrase: "Show me your closest five relationships, and I’ll show you who you are." It’s a classic for a reason! If you are looking to grow and improve, you need to be incredibly selective. This isn't about being "mean"; it’s about protection.
Ask yourself these audit questions:
Do they call me to be better, or do they just agree with me?
Is their character consistent across different areas of their life?
Do I feel energized or drained after spending time with them?
Do they guilt me for my growth, or do they celebrate it?
If you have a lot of "No" answers, it might be time to adjust access. Boundaries are not a punishment for the other person; they are a protection for you and your family. Sometimes, the sun has simply set on a relationship, and that’s okay.
Can You Actually Handle a Formidable Friend?
Answer: Most people claim they want "good friends," but few have the mental strength to handle a formidable friend who tells them the truth when they don't want to hear it. Handling high-level friendship requires assuming positive intent and having the emotional maturity to receive feedback that stings without reacting in a "drama queen" fashion.
Everyone wants a friend who is "loyal," but do you want a friend who is honest? My best man, Matt Johnson, once called me out at a Walmart 20 years ago for buying DVDs when I couldn't even pay my student bills. Holy cow, did that hurt! But it was exactly what I needed to hear.
There is a huge difference between someone saying things that hurt versus saying things to hurt. A great friend will wound your ego to save your future. If you’re constantly looking for validation or blame, you’re not ready for a top-tier friendship. You have to be worthy of being chosen by the people you want in your circle.
Where Are the Best Practical Arenas to Find New Friends?
Answer: Quality friends are found in shared spaces of mission, discipline, and values—specifically in environments that require high effort or "suffering bonding." Gyms, training groups, faith communities, and service organizations provide a foundation of shared friction that bonds people much faster than casual social settings.
Ashley and I have seen this play out in our own lives through CrossFit. There is something about "suffering" through a hard workout at the same time, every day, with the same people that builds a bond you can't get at a bar. We call this "Repeatability."
Practical steps to find your tribe:
Shared Mission: Look for volunteer groups or service-oriented nonprofits.
Shared Discipline: Join a high-effort class (BJJ, Yoga, CrossFit, etc.).
Shared Values: Engage in your local church or religious groups.
Initiate: Don't wait for the invite. Be the person who asks, "Hey, want to grab dinner?"
Information Gain: The "Before You Leave" Rule To combat "busy-brain," Ashley and I use a specific strategy: we never leave the dinner table with friends without putting the next date on the calendar—even if it's four months away. This ensures the relationship is an "investment" rather than just a "spending" of time.
The Secret Sauce: Shut Up and Listen
If you want to be a friend worth having, you need to master the art of the "Great Question." People love to feel heard and important. If you’re the person who is always a "one-upper" or a "know-it-all," you’re going to find yourself in a very small circle.
Be the friend who is positive and uplifting. Avoid the "trauma bonding" trap of complaining about the world or your boss. Be the "recovering perfectionist" who admits their struggles but is actively working on the solution.
Neuroscience tells us that our brains are prediction machines. If you surround yourself with gossip and victims, your brain will start to predict a world of gossip and victims. Change the inputs. Change the circle. Optimize the life.
Let's goooo!! 💪
Daily anything changes everything.
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