018 Navigating the Valley
Grief is not a linear path, but a non-systematic series of waves that require intentional processing, community support, and the bedrock of faith to navigate. Healing doesn't happen just by the passing of time, but through active engagement with your emotions and a commitment to "show up" for those you love.
Navigating the Valley: Finding Hope in Grief and Loss
This week on the podcast, things got a little heavier than usual. I was joined by my wife, Ashley, to discuss a topic that isn't a matter of if, but when: How to deal with loss. This isn’t just a theoretical exercise for us. We recently lost a dear friend, Sarah—the wife of Eric Dwyer, who was a guest on this show just a few weeks ago. Witnessing their journey through hospice and her eventual passing has been one of the most profound "optimizing" challenges of our lives.
If you’re in the middle of a "dumpster fire season" of grief, or you want to be ready for when the waves hit, this one is for you.
Can Laughter and Tears Coexist?
The short answer is: Absolutely. While grief is often viewed as a somber, monochromatic experience, we observed that true healing often happens in the "tension" between mourning and joy.
During Sarah’s celebration of life, we found ourselves laughing until our faces hurt while sharing stories of her college pranks. It felt therapeutic and authentic. Ashley noted that this wasn't just "distraction"; it was true, authentic joy rooted in gratitude for the friendship we had.
Information Gain Callout: Sarah’s father specifically thanked her friends for sharing "crazy" stories from her 20s. As a parent, he hadn't been part of that specific "season," and those stories provided a unique form of healing and connection he wouldn't have had otherwise.
Why You Shouldn't Walk the "Dark Road" Alone
Grief often makes you want to hide under the covers, but isolation is the enemy of healing. You need a "crew" of people who have walked similar paths because those roads are long and dark.
Ashley’s Advice for Community:
Find "Road-Walkers": Connect with people who understand the specific weight of your loss.
Utilize Groups: Look into "GriefShare" or community-based support systems.
Seek Perspective: I also find it helpful to talk to people who aren't in the same valley as you; they can provide a necessary distance and a different perspective to help you heal.
The Two Bedrock Habits for Internal Processing
When the hardware of your life feels like it’s crashing, you have to lean on your "anchor habits." For us, that came down to two things:
Intentional Gratitude: Even in the hospital, we looked for moments where the Lord showed up. We use gratitude to "bookmark" those days so we can reflect on the light even in the midst of the hard.
Processing vs. Suppressing: Oof. This is a big one, especially for the guys. Suppressing emotions is like drinking poison. If you don't deal with the emotion now, it will deal with you later—and it’ll be ten times harder to address in a decade.
Living Differently: The Perspective of the Finite
Loss reveals things. It reorders your priorities and invites you to stop living on "autopilot."
Show Up: Connection is built by showing up in the bad moments, not just the highlights. It usually requires sacrifice, but it is always worth it.
Say the Words: Thinking someone knows you love them is hogwash. Say it out loud. Don't be selfish with your encouragement.
Settle the Beef: Don't let an "estrangement" become permanent because someone passed away before you could reconcile. If you can bridge the gap, do it now.
Information Gain Callout: There’s an old country song that says "grief is just love with nowhere left to go." Our friend Eric corrected that beautifully: Grief does have somewhere to go. It needs to go up.
Daily anything changes everything.
If you or someone who would be blessed by this episode, please share it with them.
Check out our other episodes:
Apple, Spotify, YouTube, Other Providers
#OptimizingBeyond #OptimizeYourLife #Optimizer #OptimizeDaily
*Please Note: Some links mentioned may be affiliate links, meaning we may earn a commission at no extra cost to you.