012 Three Life Lessons
3 Life Lessons We Wish We Knew in Our 20s: Love, Leadership & The "Second Thought"
Episode 12 | Featuring Ashley Negron | Listen in your favorite Podcast App | Watch on Youtube
If we could go back in time and sit down with our 20-year-old selves, the conversation wouldn't just be about investments or career moves. It would be about the mental frameworks that save you years of unnecessary stress, friction, and "ghost stories" in your head.
In Episode 12 of the Optimizing Beyond Podcast, I sat down with my better half, Ashley, to unpack the three critical lessons that transformed our marriage, our leadership, and our peace of mind. Whether you're navigating a relationship, leading a team, or just trying to get out of your own way, these shifts change everything.
Here is the breakdown of the three things we wish we knew sooner.
1. Assume Positive Intent (Stop Fighting Ghosts)
We’ve all been there: Someone sends a short text, or a spouse makes a comment, and immediately your brain writes a horror story. "They’re mad at me." "They don't respect me." "They did that on purpose."
Early in our careers and marriage, it was easy to default to the negative. It felt protective, but it was actually exhausting. Living in a constant state of defense means you are always fighting a battle that might not even exist.
The Fix: Assume positive intent until proven otherwise3.
We learned this from our mentor Jonathan Dawson, and it’s a game-changer4. You can’t read minds5. You judge yourself by your intentions, but you judge others by their actions6. That’s an unfair fight.
The Script:
Instead of attacking, try this question:
"When you said [X], it made me feel [Y]. Is that what you wanted me to feel?" 7
This question disarms the defense. It gives the other person a chance to say, "Whoa, no! That’s not what I meant at all"8. It turns a potential fight into a clarification.
2. Control Your Emotions (Reaction vs. Response)
This one gets a bad rap. Controlling your emotions doesn't mean suppressing them or becoming a robot. It means processing them so they don't drive the bus9.
As Ashley shared in the episode, for women in leadership especially, there is a different pressure to maintain composure to avoid being labeled "emotional" or "dramatic"10. But for everyone—men included—an emotional reaction often costs you respect and influence11.
The "Monster Under Control":
We discussed the concept of meekness not as weakness, but as "power under control"12. Think of a martial artist or a strong leader who could do damage but chooses not to. That restraint builds trust.
The Tactic:
You need a "short list" of people (1-2 max) who get to see the raw, unprocessed emotion13. Vent there, process it, and then bring the thinking version of yourself back to the team or your spouse14. Emotions are real, but they are often one-dimensional liars15. Don't let them make your decisions.
3. Control the Second Thought
This is the ultimate hack for mental peace.
The Truth: You cannot control your first thought16.
That initial thought—the fear, the judgment, the insecurity, the impulse—often pops up automatically. It’s intrusive. It’s fast. And as our friend Glenn Lundy taught us, trying to fight the first thought is a losing battle17.
The Strategy: You are responsible for the Second Thought18.
First Thought (Automatic): "I'm not good enough for this."
Second Thought (Your Choice): "That is a lie. I have prepared for this, and I am capable." 19
You have three options with that first thought: Accept it, Adjust it, or Reject it20.
If you don't actively choose the second thought, the first thought wins by default21. This is how you defeat negative self-talk—not by silencing the noise, but by answering it with truth22.
Daily Anything Changes Everything
These three lessons—Assuming Positive Intent, Controlling Emotions, and Mastering the Second Thought—aren't things you do once. They are reps. You do them daily23.
If you want to hear the full conversation, including Ashley’s specific stories on navigating leadership dynamics and our candid take on "handling the monster," check out Episode 12: Three Life Lessons right here.
Join the Conversation:
Which of these three lessons is the hardest for you to practice right now? Let me know in the comments or shoot me a DM on Instagram. Let's grow together.
Daily anything changes everything.
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