013 The Crisis of Abdication
Why People Depreciate When Good Men Do Nothing
Episode 13 | Listen in your favorite Podcast App | Watch on Youtube
If you look at the cultural conversation around men right now, you hear the phrase "toxic masculinity" everywhere. We are told that leaders are too aggressive, too loud, or just "too much."
But I’ve been wrestling with a different truth. I don't think the problem is too much strength. I think the problem is absence.
It’s what happens when capable people step back to "keep the peace," only to realize that by stepping back, they actually opened the door for chaos to walk in. We call that Abdication.
In Episode 13 of Optimizing Beyond, we explore why stepping back isn't a virtue—it’s a vacuum. And we look at how you can start using your influence to build value in the people around you, rather than letting them wither.
The Economics of Relationships: Appreciation vs. Depreciation
I read a quote this week by Edwin Cole from his book Maximizing Manhood that stopped me in my tracks:
"People appreciate or depreciate based on the value placed upon them."
We usually think of "appreciation" as just saying thank you or being nice. But think about it in economic terms, like an investment or real estate. When you invest in a home—fix the roof, paint the walls, take care of the lawn—it appreciatesin value. When you ignore it, it depreciates.
People are exactly the same. Spouses, children, and employees will often live up (or down) to the value we assign to them.
If you view your spouse or your team members as capable, valuable, and worthy of attention, they tend to rise to that expectation. But if you view them with disdain, or worse—if you ignore them completely—they depreciate.
The Trap of "Peacekeeping" vs. Peacemaking
So, why do good men (and leaders) step back? Often, it’s not out of malice; it’s out of a desire to "keep the peace."
But there is a massive difference between Peacekeeping and Peacemaking, a distinction I learned from Cody Walker:
Peacekeeping is avoidance. It’s seeing a problem and staying silent because you don’t want to cause a rift. It feels safe in the moment, but it allows the problem to rot beneath the surface.
Peacemaking is active. It is the art of creating peace by addressing the issue with "truth in love".
When we choose peacekeeping, we are abdicating our responsibility. If you see someone heading down a bad path and say nothing because you don't want to be "mean," you bear some responsibility for where they end up.
The "Wrinkled Shirt" Rule
In his book Unreasonable Hospitality, Will Guidara tells a story that perfectly illustrates the cost of silence. He calls it the "Wrinkled Shirt" story.
Imagine a manager sees an employee come in with a wrinkled shirt. The manager thinks, "I won't say anything; maybe he was just in a rush." This is a "positive intent" excuse used to avoid conflict.
The next day, the shirt is wrinkled again. The manager stays silent. This goes on for weeks. eventually, the manager’s frustration builds until they finally explode at the employee. The employee is confused and hurt because nobody ever told them the standard in the first place.
By not saying anything early, the manager allowed the employee to depreciate.
The Fix: When you feel the urge to "lean away" from a difficult conversation or an employee, that is actually your cue to lean in. Address it early, with kindness. Put your arm around them and say, "Hey, I noticed this. Let's fix it together."
Service Through Strength: The Monster Under Control
This brings us to the "spicy" part of the conversation.
We need to reclaim a healthy view of strength. This isn't about the "Red Pill" internet anger that focuses on domination or "what can I get?" (status, submission, money).
True masculinity and leadership are about what you can give: protection, clarity, provision, and feedback.
Jordan Peterson talks about this as being a "monster under control." It’s the idea that a harmless man isn't virtuous—he's just harmless. A virtuous man is one who has the capacity for great strength (and even danger) but has it completely under control.
Think of Aslan in The Chronicles of Narnia. When asked if the lion is safe, the beaver replies: "Safe? No. But he's good.".
That is the goal. To be a person of strength who uses that power to build others up, not tear them down.
Your Challenge: Place a High Value Someone Today
In the episode, I shared a story about a father who realized he had been dominating conversations with his daughter. He was challenged to listen to her—without fixing, correcting, or interrupting—for 30 days.
It was excruciating for him. But within a few days, their relationship transformed. The daughter blossomed because she finally felt valued.
Here is your action step for this week:
Identify Abdication: Where have you checked out? Is it in your marriage? Your finances? Your team culture?
Pick One Person: Choose one person in your life (a spouse, a child, an employee).
Place High Value: Intentionally treat them with high value this week. Put the phone down when they walk in the room. Send the text just to say "I'm thinking of you." Listen without fixing.
Watch what happens. When you stop abdicating and start appreciating, the people around you will rise.
Daily anything changes everything.
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